I feel like I always start posts with the same thing.. stating the fact that I’ve been quiet recently in terms of my blog. I want to make more of a conscious effort to blog but time seems to be running away currently, especially as it’s been a weird few weeks. Things have gone to pot a bit.
So here’s what has been going on..
If you read my previous post, you know that I’ve been suffering with abdominal pain. This is still present on and off. This then seemed to progress into me being very tired all the time. On my days off, I would be in bed until around 2pm, having had around 15 hours sleep. I would wake up still tired and not have the energy to do anything around the house.
In addition to this, I started getting dizzy spells, waves of nausea; to the point if I smelt or looked at food then I would gag, and newly prominent veins. When I say newly prominent veins, I mean the fact that I’ve got lightning bolt green/blue veins all through my breasts. When I spoke to my mum about this, she voiced concerns as this can be a sign of breast cancer. However, the veins then appeared everywhere else. They are right to the surface of my skin and highlighter blue/green all in my arms, legs and on my chest. I googled this because that’s what we all do isn’t it?! And it stated that this can be a sign of pregnancy as your body makes extra blood, to meet the needs of pregnancy. It wouldn’t have been a shock if I was pregnant as I haven’t been on contraception for 5 years now and we feel ready to start a family. I can only use the word “trying” for a baby loosely as it’s a bit tricky due to my issues around sex and my anxiety. I’d already carried out a few pregnancy tests which came back negative, but it would have been early days. So a fake negative would have been expected at this point.
I waited another few days and did another test and there it was… a very very faint line. This is the first one Kieran could see, so I knew it wasn’t in my head. I read forums, googled this etc. and after a faint positive, the HCG hormone usually doubles every 48 hours, so you should expect the faint line to get darker and darker. By this time, I’d been to the GP and got a blood test booked in. I wanted to wait until the blood test was done, I didn’t want to do another home test, see another faint line and feel all confused again. Whilst I was waiting for the blood test, I had strange stomach pains, like a pulling sensation in my womb. And still no period. With all this, I was CONVINCED I was pregnant. I would have bet my life on it. I started looking at ideas online about how to tell my family during lockdown. Started to get excited at the thought of setting up something cute.
So I went to get my blood test and was told that I would get the results the next day. Even though I knew that they would take at least 24 hours, I couldn’t stop refreshing my online medical record.
The day that the results were due back, I was on a 12 hour shift. I kept an eye on my medical record. The results were back. My HCG level was lower than 5 miU/ml, meaning I’m definitely not pregnant. How were they this low?! I couldn’t believe it. My symptoms are and were so suggestive of early pregnancy. What’s worse is that my blood results said abnormal. They showed that I have slightly low red blood cells and that I have mild neutropenia; a lack of infection fighting white blood cells. I also have a severely low Vitamin D level. My previous blood results were borderline at the end of January for these same reasons but they were not acted upon then. My neutrophils have reduced by a further 400 since January.
This makes me more likely to contract coronavirus or any infection as my immune system won’t be working how it should be. I asked the GP about this, he didn’t seem too concerned before he then looked at my asthma medications. He realised that I should be shielding as I am classed as extremely vulnerable due to the high dose of inhalers that I take twice daily and that I needed steroids for an exacerbation of asthma 3 times in 6 months last year. I asked them this at the beginning of the pandemic however they stated that they were not worried, they’ve now stated that I should have been shielding from the beginning. So I was sent home from work and haven’t been back since. I’m not going to the supermarket now. I’ve still been for walks because of my mental health. Maybe this still puts me at minimal risk of harm but the fact I already have a severe Vitamin D deficiency, sometimes struggle in terms of my mental health and do not have a garden, means I need to get some fresh air and sunlight.
I have got repeat blood tests booked for next Thursday and if I’m still neutropenic, then I am going to be referred to the haematologist for further investigations as I could have a problem with my bone marrow or it could be a metabolic issue. As you can imagine, this was pretty gutting to find out when I was expecting and hoping to be welcoming a new life.
I’m feeling brighter than I was a few days back but I’m still scared. I’m scared I’ll not be able to have babies. My period still hasn’t come and there is no sign that it is going to as of yet. It’s been nearly 10 weeks now. I’m scared I’ll always be an Aunty, a nurse, a godmother… but never a mother. I’m scared I’ll never feel that euphoria of looking at your newborn with complete and utter love. But I am grateful that I am an Aunty, that I have my niece. I just really hope I can give her a mini cousin to play with.